Miserable at Best
by frequently-dazzled
Summary: Derek's point of view of Meredith and his relationship. Do they end it or not? It might be Mer/Der or Mer/Mark the characters still have to decide that. Read and Review please!
1. Chapter 1

**I know I probably shouldn't be starting this with another new fanfic – however, this is stuck in my head ever since I heard this song so I just had to start writing it. The song is Miserable at Best by Mayday Parade. And at the beginning with the name Katie and Ocala that's Meredith and Rose. I also know that there is plenty of fanfictions on here about the story of Derek/Rose/Meredith – and I have written a one shot for it. Now, however, I am writing a Mark/Meredith fic. I love Mer/Der however I think Mark/Meredith have great chemistry. So yeah, this is my Derek/Rose/Meredith and Mark/Meredith fic all rolled into one. It could possibly be Mer/Der depends where the characters want me to take them. I hope you like it. If you don't, well tell me. Thanks. Read and Review. OH and one more thing, from the song lyrics you can probably tell that my fic is going to be from Derek's point of view (it might switch to give you an idea of what is happening with the other characters) – if I can even write that lmao. Okay once again, thanks and read and review please.**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Grey's Anatomy. Although, I wish I did. Doesn't every Grey's fan wish this though? Haha.

_2:00am._

I have been laying in the darkness of my trailer for a few hours now. I'm supposed to be crying, I know I should be, but no tears are falling from my eyes, I'm not even freaking out, pacing across the small amount of room in my trailer. I haven't had a drink tonight, other than the one single malt scotch I had on the date with Rose. That wore off a few hours ago, especially with the water, coffee, and thinking processes I have had. I was about to close my eyes and try to drift off to sleep, when I heard the beeping from my phone. I reach over to the dresser beside my bed.

I look at my phone as I see that the screen is flashing at me, the annoying sound beeping continuously. I have two reasons to look at the phone tonight, Meredith calling me or the hospital calling me incase my pager goes out. I highly doubt either reasoning, however a part of me is just hoping to see Meredith's name flashing across the screen of my cell phone. As the letters finally start to form words, I sigh heavily. A part of me feels horrible for the sighing, but I can't help it. I wanted Meredith to be calling me, however, instead I see Rose's name flashing on my phone. I don't understand why she would be calling me this early or late however you want to look at it. Why would Rose be calling me, after we just had a date tonight? Is she that desperate? Am I that desperate to take her on a date after I break up with the love of my life? Most likely. Yes I, Derek Shepherd, took Rose on a date. Yes I, Derek Shepherd, asked Rose on a date right after my relationship ended with Meredith. I'm just trying to move on, I want to be happy. I can be happy with Rose. I can. She is beautiful, although with the small smirk she makes she does look like a horse, and I wish her hair was a brighter color, blondish, she is still beautiful. She really is. Sounds like I'm trying to convince myself, doesn't it? I probably am.

During my date with Rose, I was constantly thinking of Meredith. For instance, if Meredith was there with me, she would have been smiling, or wringing her hands together because she was nervous. Meredith and I would have been discussing my house plans instead of the topic Rose and I were talking about. During most of the date Rose was constantly talking about how she was so grateful to be going out on a date with me. How all the nurses were rooting her on, or my least favorite thing of the night she said _how all the nurses were proud that Meredith and I broke up because they believed we weren't meant to be._ I cringed when she told me that. I don't think she noticed, or maybe she didn't want to confront me about that just yet. After all, I had just ended the thing between Meredith and myself.

I stopped thinking about the date I had that night, and I concentrated on the name on the screen of my phone. I take a deep breath in as I flip my phone open. I place the phone up to my ear, and smile to myself, hoping that the smile on my face although Rose can't see it seems real enough, maybe it would come through in my voice instead of the dread I wanted to actually illustrate.

"Hey Rose." I say softly.

"Hi Derek, I know it's late, however, I needed to talk." Rose said, the joy going through the phone to me. All the joy she had, I wanted to push away I wanted hear dark and twisty characteristics. _No Derek, you don't need to have dark and twisty when you can have happy and joyful. You need to be happy. Rose is good for you. She is ready for the commitment you want._ I nod to myself.

"Oh its okay, I was still awake." I say, being truthful.

"Oh good, I didn't want to wake you, I just wanted to talk." She said, still beaming with joy.

"What did you need to talk about?" I said, as if what she needed to talk about was honestly that important to me.

"Anything, you wanted to." I was glad that she couldn't see me at that moment, because my eyes went severely large and open. Why would someone you just had a date with, want to call you in the middle of the night to talk about whatever you wanted to. I didn't want to talk about anything, except my love for Meredith. I was pretty sure that Rose did not want to have that discussion. I, also, did not want to have that conversation with her. I wanted to have that conversation with Meredith. However, Meredith would probably never want to have that discussion or any discussion for that matter.

"Hmmmm….are you sure you don't have a topic you want to talk about? It might help me choose one." What am I doing? I ask myself, I don't even want to be having a discussion with the horse looking lady. I sigh, hoping she didn't hear.

"Are you okay?" She asked. _Of course I'm not. I just ended my life, well the life I wanted with Meredith. And now you are calling me in the middle of the night to talk about whatever and whoever. No I am not okay. _I wanted to say that so badly, however all I could do was mumbled a small 'yep'.

"Okay. Well you seem like you are tired, so I'll let you go, okay?" Rose said, softly and in a scared tone. I felt bad for making her feel this way, maybe I just need to sleep a small amount, and get my mind away from Meredith, Rose, or life in general.

"I'm sorry; I guess I'm just tired." I lied. "I'll talk to you tomorrow right?"

"Of course. Bye Derek."

"Bye Rose."

I close my phone, and place it back on the dresser. Looking back up to the ceiling of my small one room trailer, I place my hand behind my head and close my eyes for a moment before I hear the annoying beeping on my phone telling me that I just received a text message. Maybe it was Rose, telling me goodnight again. I sighed. I closed my eyes once again, and tried to fall back asleep but something told me that I needed to answer the phone. I turn back over to the dresser and look at it. _1 New Message._ I open my phone, and click 'ok'. I look at the text message and what I see surprises me. It's not Rose, thank goodness for that.

_Derek, I think we need to talk. I mean really talk, about a lot and everything. Meet me at the docks. I'll be waiting. – Meredith_.

I am glad that my instinct told me to check my messages because if I didn't I wouldn't have the opportunity to talk to Meredith tonight, when I needed to talk to her. I quickly got off my cold bed and looked around, finding a different pair of jeans on and a simple shirt. I wasn't going to impress Meredith tonight. We needed to talk; we didn't need anything in the way. This was going to be simple, revealing, and probably painful and there would only be words in use. I placed my dark denim jeans on with a simple grey shirt and grey pullover, and pulling on my pair of Nike shoes. As I walk out the door, I make sure that I am ready for this conversation, asking myself one question.

Was I ready to officially end everything between Meredith and me? _I don't think so, but if it made her happy. I will._


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks guys for all the reviews. I really appreciate it. The more reviews I get, the quicker I will post new stuff. So yeah. My mind keeps changing. Do I want this Mer/Der or do I want this Mer/Mark. Then as I listen to the song, over and over and over again I might add, Derek and Mark keep fighting for Meredith in my head. Haha. So I am still contemplating where I want it to go. In all actuality the characters are writing the story, I am just simply putting it in a board. So again, thank you for all the reviews. I appreciate them. On with the story.**

**Disclaimer:** Once again, I do not own Grey's Anatomy – although sometimes I have dreams about owning it, Eric Dane and Patrick Dempsey!

_2:45am._

I drive along the quiet streets; trying to gain up enough confidence for the conversation I was now dreading. I had a feeling that Meredith was going to tell me that she despised me, that she had a right to not trust me. I do have to agree with the second part, she didn't have a reason to trust me. I have hurt her time and time again. First it was Addison, then prom, and last it was Rose. I kissed Rose in the same scrub room I told Meredith I was staying with my wife because she was my wife. I really do hate that scrub room. It is the same one, where Meredith has been supportive of my decisions that have hurt her again and again. Meredith has every right not to trust me, I only told her what I did earlier _you don't trust anyone_ was because I wanted her to see that I loved her, I was trying to help her. I'm extremely stupid, aren't I? Yep. I can answer that question with one hundred percent certainty.

I slow down as I reach my destination. I park beside the blue jeep I have come to love, although it could break down any second now. I look over to the jeep, and notice that Meredith isn't inside. I tilt my head down towards the steering wheel. I need to do this. I need to know if I can still have Meredith in my life. Which I highly doubt, too many times we have messed up. I look up, feeling tears build up in my eyes, I wipe them away. I shouldn't be crying yet. I will probably be crying during, but not yet. I have to hold a strong front. I slowly open my car door, after turning the engine off, and look up to the bench that Meredith and I often shared. The one place where we went when we needed each other only needed to talk to one another. Meredith's beautiful blond hair is blowing in the breeze, as she pulls her jacket closer to her body. I can't tell what she is doing, but she looks as if she might be crying. I hate to see her cry, so I gave her another second before I walked down to the bench.

The breeze is starting to get colder; maybe if I am near Meredith I can just feel some of her warmth. I will not touch her, unless she wants me to touch her. I promise myself. I take in one more large breath before walking down to the bench. The wind lets the smell of lavender feel my nose. I close my eyes as the sensation runs through my body. I need her. Why do I constantly mess everything up? Why do I let her go, so often? Why? As these questions run through my mind I walk closer to the bench, and whisper.

"Hi." I don't know if she heard me, so I walk around the bench, and see that she quickly wipes her tears away. They pain me. The look of Meredith crying makes me feel worse than I already did. I sit down on the bench, reaching my hand out, but pull it back remembering the promise I made to myself. _Do not touch her. She doesn't want to be touched by you. You have hurt her way to many times. So do not touch her._ I close my eyes, feeling all strength I wanted to have tonight disappeared quickly. Meredith's eyes reach my blue ones, and she looks scared, hurt, and angered. I was surprised by her being scared. I had expected the other two feelings to come out of her eyes: hurt and anger. However, I wasn't expecting her to look scared. I wouldn't hurt her physically, was she really worried about that. I sighed.

"Hello Derek." Meredith says, so softly that I react as if the words will be carried away with the breeze. I respond quickly.

"Hi." We continue to stare at each other, neither one of us knowing what to say, afraid of the conversation that is about to happen. If I had just told Meredith about my wife in the beginning, if I would have picked her, if I would have never thought about kissing Rose - we could be happy right now, instead of dreading the conversation that was about to happen.

I glance away from her for a second, afraid if I keep looking at her, I will break the promise to myself. I wanted to so badly touch Meredith, but it was not right for me to think this. I look back at her, but this time I keep my eyes down to her hands. I notice she is holding both of them. She was nervous. I could tell before, but her hands were the confirmation.

"I'm sorry." I hear her say. I was waiting for her to yell at me and what I get is a 'I'm sorry'. Why was she sorry? I know that we have done things to each other in the past, but I was the one that had hurt her the most. I started walking away after the drowning fiasco. Actually to think about it, I started walking away from her when I told her I was walking away, letting Finn be the better guy. I should have stuck to that plan. She would be happy with someone else right now, she wouldn't be apologizing when she didn't need to be. But no, I couldn't have her happy. I had to have her happy with me.

"Why?" I said, quickly, then seen her eyes gaze into mine once again. "I mean, why are you sorry? You shouldn't be sorry. I'm the one that should be sorry. I have hurt you too many times…" She stopped me before I could continue. The look of fear flashed through her eyes, like she was about to say something that hurt me worse than anything had hurt me in my life. I began to become scared. My heart began to beat faster, as the anticipation to hear what she was about to say became more needed.

"No. I'm sorry for being the girl in the bar that took you home, and had sex with you." My breath was taken away from me, I was afraid that she heard it – however, her expression would let you think otherwise. Why was she sorry for being the girl in the bar? I thought…wait I had hurt her so many times and many ways now she was regretting me. The love of my life was regretting ever meeting me. A shake came through my body as I slowly got my breath back, but my breath became shallow as I was afraid of what was going to come next.

"I'm sorry that I met you. I'm sorry because you wouldn't have cheated on your wife. I'm also sorry that you felt obligated to love me after I became your dirty mistress. I shouldn't have went to that exam room the night of prom, because you wouldn't have felt obligated to divorce your wife because you cheated on her. You should have stayed with her, she would probably make you happy. She is beautiful…" _Not as beautiful as you Meredith._ "you could probably have kids, the house on your land with a four car garage. You would have toys strung across the living room with your wife. You would be happy with her, and you wouldn't have met me."

Why was she saying this? Did she not know that I loved her, everything she did, and how she acted? She was purely the love of my life. She was the only woman who could brighten up a room with her smile and her laugh. The only women who could make me feel like I finally found my reason to live. Without her I couldn't breathe. Without her I was lost in the world. Without her my life was boring. She was the one that saved me from drowning. Why didn't I save her from drowning?

"Meredith…you don't mean it." I said. Of course I wanted kids, the house, and the family – but I was slowly beginning to find out that I only wanted that with Meredith. No other woman would be able to feel her spot.

"Yes I do. You should be happy without me. I have made your life horrible."

"No you made my life worth living." I pleaded with her.

"No, Derek, you just think that. I have made your life a living hell." Was she completely insane? I loved her more than life itself and here she is saying that she made my life a living hell. Did I actually make her feel this way? How could I do that to such an amazing woman? She wasn't the one insane, I was.

"Meredith, it's your life you are describing. I have made you life a living hell." I finally find my voice. "I am the one that made you feel worthless. I am the one that had the wife, and made the life ruining mistake of picking her over the love of my life." I watched Meredith cringe as I said _love of my life_. That hurt. "Meredith I love you, but I have never actually shown you. I have hurt you. You told me that I was your first true relationship that you have never done anything like this before and here I was trying to get you to move into a house so quickly, then I kiss Rose." She cringed again, who could blame her? "I'm the one that made your life miserable.

You have made my life worth living Meredith. Although I can't expect you to believe that with everything I have done to you." I say quickly, feeling breathless again.

"I love you Derek." The words I loved to hear her say, but this time I was scared of the words.

"I love you, Meredith." I say, hoping she would actually believe them this time when I said them.

"Derek?" She said, softly.

"Yes Meredith?" I say as softly, afraid that the next few words she was going to say were going to ruin my life completely.

"I'm sorry but I don't believe you." _Ouch._ That's worse than I thought. Never think that, it can only get worse.

"Derek, I don't want you in my life – we will probably be happier, you could be happy with Rose. And I just want you to be happy. I probably will never be able to make you happy." That was worse.

"Meredith." She looked away from me. Tears are finally falling down both of our faces.

"Derek…be happy without me. I love you." She stood up and I felt like everything around me was falling, I was breathing shallowly and tears falling down my face. I looked up at her.

"I can't live without you." I say to her.

"Yes you can. I can live without you too. However, I'll just be miserable at best." She walked to her car. I watched the love of my life walk away from me. It hurt, I wanted her. She was my life. She was my everything and I never actually showed her. She wanted me to be happy. How could she think I could be happy without her? Without her I was going to miserable at best, just as she said.


	3. Chapter 3

**Wow guys, thanks again for all the wonderful comments. Each and every one of them made my day, or past two days, however you want to see it. And I appreciate the comments complimenting my writing. Thanks:kiss kiss: So I have been asked a few times is this going to be Meredith with Mark or Derek. And I can honestly say I don't know, the characters in this story are writing themselves. Haha. So I guess we will just find out together. I am a fan of Mer/Mark and Mer/Der, so yeah. It might be a while before we see a movement with the story in the lines of love, but it may not. I'm just not sure yet. Haha. I can't make up my mind. Uh. So yeah. Thanks for sticking in there with me, and thanks for the wonderful magnificent comments.**

**Disclaimer:**I do not own Grey's Anatomy. Simple, because if I did, some people just might hate me there would be drama. Good drama. :lol:

_5:00am._

My head is pounding and I don't know if it is from the amount of tears that have come from my eyes, or maybe the amount of alcohol I consumed over the past three hours. It might just be a mixture of the two. I am such a pathetic piece of crap. I was stupid enough to hurt my Meredith, yes my Meredith, over and over again. How is it that I could do that to her? How was I able to pick my ex-wife over the love of my life? How was I able to not let Meredith be with anyone but me? How could I stop wanting to breathe for her? How was it that I had to make a decision over her and being chief? How was I even capable of kissing Rose? I'm not sure, but I am pretty sure that karma has paid me back in full amount with Meredith telling me that she wished she had never had met me, she loved me but she didn't want to be with me, and she wanted me to be happy without her. I deserved all the words she told me tonight, except the fact that she loved me. I do not know how someone, especially someone's whose heart has been broken again and again by the same man, could ever possibly say that to me. I don't deserve to hear those words coming from her mouth.

Each kiss of her lips, touch of her skin, words leaving her lips, and the lavender has been brought to me in memory with every tear that falls down my face. With every tear I am reminded of the things I can't have now that I have messed up and Meredith will never be mine again. She is done with me, and she has every right to be done. I can't expect her to be coming back to me. Why would she want to? She didn't trust me, and who could ever blame her? Not me, and I had no right to tell her she trusted no one. She did trust people, even with her daddy issues and boy problems, she trusted people. Just not me.

The tears are still continuously falling down my skin, and they leave a burning mark. The tears are too painful for me. I wish I could stop crying. However – many parts of me don't want to because that would mean that I would stop receiving the treatment I deserved. I missed Meredith. I missed her laugh, her tears, her smile, her lavender, and last but not least her in my arms. I turn over so I can grab the pillow that used to belong to her. I place it in my arms, and I place my nose into it. The faint scent of lavender so sweetly left on the pillow. The scent is greatly appreciated. But my tears fall even faster now. I close my eyes, and my breathing slows as I begin to sleep, as my tears and pains have finally worn me out. The restless sleeps begins in me, and I can't stop it.

**I know that this is a very very short chapter, and I'm sorry. I just think this was important. It tells of some of the pain he is going through. So please don't hate me because it is so short. I hope you like it. Please review it. :kiss kiss:**


	4. Chapter 4

**Okay, so I have thought about it and I have figured out the answer. This is in Derek's Point of View now. However, when Mark comes into the picture that will change, because I like writing Meredith, and Mark will get to know Meredith more. That doesn't automatically make it a Mer/Mark story. And thank you to those that have stuck around with me, it means a lot and all your comments are so, so amazing. That's not the word for it but it will work for now. Lol. This chapter is still in Derek's POV. I don't know when it will change over, but I will let you know. I also wanted to thank Azqwest for the amazing siggy, I likey a lot. Lol. So thank you. On with the story. Hopefully it is good, I have a feeling that it might not be. So sorry ahead of time.**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Grey's Anatomy. Although the idea of owning the storyline has often crossed my mind, especially lately. Lol.

_10:00am._

The incessant beeping of my pager woke me up. I don't know why, I didn't have to work today, but as a doctor I knew that I had to arrive at the hospital soon. It was my duty as a doctor. I reached over to my pager, and read the small note flash on the screen. _911_. That wasn't any major shock, as they are only supposed to page you when you are absolutely needed. I sighed, and laid my head on the pillow again. The faint reminders of the night before me came hurdling down, and the tears automatically started again. I was Derek Shepherd; I wasn't supposed to cry over someone. That wasn't me; I was supposed to be strong. Meredith Grey was the only woman I have ever cried over and that proves to me once again that I lost the most important thing in my life. I knew it when it happened, but the never ending tears were a constant reminder. I want the tears to stop, I want the pain to go away but there is no end in sight, when Meredith isn't with me. And I have only one person to blame. Myself.

Although I wish I could blame some of this on Meredith, I remember that I was the one to start it all. Although she didn't open up like I am used to women opening up, I should have pushed her a little harder. Although she couldn't trust me, I should proven she could trust me. But I didn't do any of that. If I would have I would still have the love of my life with me.

I sat up on the bed, and then looked around at my surroundings. Noting that this was how my life would be without Meredith. I know I could move on without Meredith. I could hopefully find someone that I could love. Not nearly as much as I love Meredith, but enough to be happy. I could have little kids running around. And although I want the house, the wife, the kids, and the dog – I only want this with Meredith. However, maybe there is someway I can move on and I don't have to worry about it. But then again, I don't want to.

I get out of my cold bed, and place on a new pair of dark denim jeans and my classic button up shirt with a pullover on it. I slip my feet into my black dress up shoes that are just casual enough for pants. I know, I know, I probably sound gay, but I just like to make sure I look okay. I look at myself in the mirror and notice that my eyes are still red from crying, and bags are forming under my eyes. I look exactly as I feel, horrible. I walk out of my trailer, not bothering to lock the doors. I couldn't lose anymore than I already have. I breathe in deeply and walk to my car, letting myself drive to the hospital, the long way. I can't be near the docks or ferries today. Not today, probably not for the next week, maybe the next month. As I drive along the highway, headed for Seattle Grace, I find myself in my thoughts once again as the radio is off and I am too lazy to turn it on.

What am I going to do if Meredith is at the hospital today? What if she is smiling and happy and she has already moved on? What am I to do? I need to be happy for her. She wants to move on and forget me. She regrets meeting me, so I should stay out of her way, no matter how much I want to talk to her, make her understand that I need her in my life.

I know, enough of the self-pity already. I should probably just act like normal. But what is normal without Meredith? I guess I'll find a new normal today. A normal that I don't think I'm ready for just yet. I finally pull up to the hospital, and I try to find the spot closest to the door. I pull in, and get my bag from the passenger seat. As I exit the car, I look to the car on my left and I see that it is the blue jeep. Meredith's blue jeep that she won't get rid of. I look away and start walking towards the hospital.

I walk up to the nurses' desk. "Hey."

"Hi Dr. Shepherd. Dr. Sloan has been having me page you for the past hour, he needs you help with a patient." Nurse Debbie says to me, nicely. All the nurses have been nice to me lately. As I walk away I roll my eyes. 

I was in the search for Mark. He apparently needed my help with a patient, and I couldn't find him. How convenient is that? I quickly walk over to the surgery board and I look for his name. He's not in surgery just yet. So I continue on my search for him. I finally find him at the coffee cart. He has a weird smile on his face, but then when he turns around the smile is gone. He looks pissed or angered. I notice two cups of coffee in his hands. I wonder who the other one is for, and why is he getting them? He always has an intern get them for him.

"Hey Mark."

"Dr. Shepherd." He's acting weird. Why is he pissed at me? I should be mad at him for Addison, but I'm not.

"I heard you had a patient for me." I say as I walk beside him. He looks and then shakes his head.

"I needed help, but I got another attending to help me." Why? He always lets me help. An idea clicks in my head.

"Whose the two coffees for?" I ask as we both stop and he looks at me. He glares at me. My thoughts were confirmed. "There for Meredith, aren't they?" He nods. Yep, definitely confirmed.

"And if you don't mind, I'm going to give this coffee to her, before it gets cold. So bye Dr. Shepherd." He says walking off, giving coffee to my Meredith. I sigh and run a hand through my hair. My ex-best friend/best friend is giving my ex-girlfriend cups of coffee. I panic, and I run to my office, having no where else to run. I didn't want to learn this lesson. I couldn't breathe without Meredith.


End file.
